Sympathy means “I feel what you feel”, whereas Empathy means “I get what you feel”. Choose Empathy over Sympathy.
In early April I had a bad fall. I was lucky it was not truly serious, but I did do some damage to my back which is taking time to heal. As I write this on a Sunday morning, I had to cancel my usual bike ride as I overdid my recovery efforts by carrying my bag around 18 holes of golf two days ago. Good news was that I could swing the clubs, bad news is that by carrying my bag, my right shoulder and neck is, well, I’m taking painkillers every four hours.
Now, I could feel frustrated at not being able to get out on the bike, but instead, the thought that occurred to me is that healing will come faster if I am “in a space of allowing” rather than resisting, to go with it, listen to my body, relax in and through it.
Now, this then leads me to a coaching tip, which begins with considering how you choose to respond when someone shares with you that they are in pain through loss, difficulty, injury. I was taught my a mentor :
Sympathy means “I feel what you feel”, whereas Empathy means “I get what you feel”
Sympathy can be a self-indulgent emotion, to imagine yourself in their shoes and feel bad with them. However, if you seek to support and help the other person, it can be a bit like seeing someone in quicksand and jumping in there with them. Sure, you feel what they feel, but now you are both sinking and helpless.
Empathy, on the other hand, allows you to be of support and value far more. With the quicksand example, imagine you “get” what they feel, you can then sense that they will be close to panic, that they may instinctively want to thrash around to try to get out (though this will just sink them faster). You can then talk to them, breathe calmly with them, have them stay still. Once they are still, you can get something to reach to them with, which they can grasp and you can pull them out.
In short, Sympathy is about you (yes, it is), Empathy is about the other.
We do have a tendency to “jump in” with sympathy, rather than holding space (as described in the image above) with empathy. I recommend the latter in almost all cases, only then can we truly support and help others.
BTW, I’m doing ok, thanks, I’ll be back on the bike and the golf course soon 😉