Over the last few years, I have found myself in several new circles with Johnnie Moore. Recently, through one of those (Yellow Learning), I was sent a copy of Johnnie’s book “Unhurried Conversations“.
An unhurried conversation is a kind of “circle”, or “talking stick” conversation, so I smile at my words that I find myself in several circles with Johnnie. We have not yet met, but have been in various online sessions via groups such as We are Liminal, though never yet in an unhurried conversation.
In Johnnie’s book, after explaining the concept, he then gives us page after page of succinct thoughts that have emerged for him after years of leading such conversations. One of them connects some dots for me, as the theme of “frustration” is showing up for me with one or two clients with complex problems to solve with groups of people. I share it here and encourage you to look into the idea and, yes, to buy the book
Ease into Difficulty
(from Unhurried Conversations by Johnnie Moore)
Life’s interesting challenges are inherently messy and confusing. Frustration, anxiety and all those other uncomfortable feelings are features, not bugs. They are part of the system and shouldn’t just be shooed away by the imposition of a gleaming perfect plan.
Instead of making things easy, what if we try to bring s sense of ease to things that normally provoke anxiety, urgency and over-reaction? Rather than running from challenges, what if we relax into them? By taking our time and slowing down a little, we can explore the problem more deeply rather than rushing into the easiest “solution”.
Many times while writing this book, I have started at my screen in frustration when nothing seemed to fit. I have had to practice not panicking, not giving up, but relaxing and accepting this frustration as a perfectly normal part of the writing process. I remember spending one Sunday largely staring at my computer, feeling exasperated and dying for a distraction. But I decided that maybe this was just my day for staring in exasperation and went with it, rather than fighting against it. The next morning I had a new burst of ideas and started rattling away at the keyboard.
Practicing a sense of ease can help foster new perspectives on complex problems. And it can help us interact in more fruitful ways. Sometimes, in a conversation or a meeting, we run into long, uncomfortable silences. The easy way out is to fill the gap ourselves. We want to do something. Say something. Change the subject or tell a joke to defuse the tension. But when we do this, we may lose an opportunity to really engage with a difficulty.
Having the confidence to wait and let the moment work itself out will often lead to something unexpected – and creative – happening.
I love this idea of easing into difficulty.
I also know of Johnnie as someone with a reputation as a Master Facilitator, and the second last paragraph above speaks to that. When I facilitate groups I find that the most magical and impactful moments come forth precisely when one is comfortable as a facilitator to “trust the process”, to allow the uncomfortable silences, the frustration and tension in the room. Ultimately this creates space for (every time!) a moment of magic to happen that release the tension with a moment of truth to all that can be palpably felt in the room.
As Johnnie says “relaxing and accepting” frustration is a normal and , I would say, even essential part of solving any complex problems with a group.
Ease into difficult