When any of us face news or events which place us in a position of “not knowing”, we tend to be uncomfortable, so we wish for and take steps towards gaining “knowing”, of removing ambiguity and uncertainty, as soon as we possibly can.
Unfortunately, this rush to knowing is not always the right path when it comes to business and leadership, we live in an increasingly VUCA world (Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, Ambiguous), so often the right course is to be comfortable with not knowing, at least long enough for us to take time and resources to explore options, rather than rush to choose a path then act.
Today a personal story and learning that, despite me being someone who often counsels leaders to consider what I have just outlined, I too am human and fallible and have felt that discomfort with uncertainty on my medical journey.
Now, of course, being on a cancer journey is perhaps a little towards the extreme end of what I am talking about, but it has brought me learnings about how I may respond to uncertainty. It turns out I love uncertainty in some spaces, but less so in others.
So, as regular readers will know, on March 3rd I was diagnosed with colon cancer. Though I was warned not to google about it, I knew that (for me) I had to, I like to be fully informed. Of course, when I did my googling, I found a long list of a range of possibilities, potential complications etc. How did I feel? Honestly, for a day or two, I felt pretty down, though was able to lift myself back up soon enough.
Now, on April 13th I then got the call letting me know that they had found spread into a single removed lymph node to I would be having chemotherapy. I was first flattened by this news as this was not expected from my early-stage tumour. I was then further dropped down when, yes, I started googling about potential complications and side effects of chemotherapy. Again I lifted myself up again soon enough and was fine mentally within a couple of days.
As, for my surgery, chemo is not be started until 6-8 weeks post-op (to give time for recovery from surgery, and, yes, I’m back to pretty much 100% now, phew!), so I had several weeks to wait until meeting the consultant oncologist on May 6th, and feeling good throughout that period.
Now, though that May 6th meeting was great and very positive (I’ll be having a lesser form of chemo than the full course for less low-risk patients), afterwards I found myself (a little unexpectedly) feeling down again and I have been a bit up and down for the 10 days or so since.
In thinking about that, I recognise that my feeling up and down recently is all down to the uncertainty, the not knowing. Understandable? Sure. A learning for me at the same time? Absolutely.
All that said, today I pick up my tablets, tomorrow morning I begin the 8 cycles over 23 weeks of taking these tablets. It may seem a bit strange, but I’m now very keen to start. Once I do, whether I sail through chemo or whether I am impacted by the drugs, at least I will know, rather than “not know”.