Feel what you feel

I had a lovely Christmas break, from Friday (Christmas Eve) until Tuesday morning, but on Monday afternoon I got upset while losing at a board game. Bizarre, that is not like me. Competitive at board games, sure. Someone who gets upset and sulky about it? No way, that is not me at all.

So, a little later, and from a place of care, I found myself in a 1:1 conversation about what was wrong. I tried to think about why I might have reacted that way, then suddenly I burst into floods of tears and exclaimed: “I miss my boys!”, then the tears flowed even more until, a few minutes later, I took a deep sigh and that cathartic moment was complete. A feeling of relief then flowed through me, having unexpectedly allowed the feeling to come forward and to recognise what was within me.

So, then what happened?

One thing I have learned in years of coaching is that the first thing to do when we feel something is simply allow ourselves to “feel what we feel”, to simply be with that feeling, not to try to solve the problem, to make it ok. If you are the person feeling the feeling, allow it. Let the skies clear then you can think about what there is to think about, and perhaps to do. If you are the person sitting with that person, simply be with them, don’t try to fix it, don’t see to rescue them from their upset.

As the image above says beautifully, feelings are just visitors, let them come and go. They are here to teach us something, but the time to think about that is once the feeling has passed.

In my case, my companion, after giving me a big hug in the moment, waited until the moment was right before starting to talk me through what had happened and what I could do, but only when i was ready, and not from a pace of fixing or rescuing.

I do really miss my boys, separated as we are for almost all of this pandemic, and I particularly miss them over the holidays. Perhaps sub-consciously I got upset during that board game as it was a game they introduced me to (Catan) and one I then introduced to the group I was with over Christmas. It is a game with much fun banter, negotiations, friendly competitiveness and laughter. I guess it was simple, I missed my boys and so that emotion burst out in an unexpected and out of character way.

We therefore talked that through and then I took some time to myself to rest and to send some messages to my sons.

Now, two days later, and feeling much better having recognised that I was suppressing that feeling for days, I’ve now taken time to feel what I was feeling, so as to then be response-able to talk to my sons and share a blend of feelings and thoughts in a calm space. All is well, it simply is what it is, it is tough to be separated.

What do I take from all of this? A reminder to not suppress feelings, not to pretend they aren’t there, but to “feel what you feel”.