Recently I met with someone, another coach, and we shared and explored our thoughts about coaching, mentoring and more. There is always more to learn and, in our sharing, we both learned from each other, and, in sharing our thoughts with another, more about ourselves. One thought that flowed from me as we spoke was about the art of listening and being present:
“The more I am absent the more I am present”
It seems I do often speak in Zen Koans, which to some may be self-explanatory, and at the same time let me explain this one a little. Being present is key to active listening, with several things that can interfere with that, such as the following, described in ascending levels of depth of listening.:
- The desire to reply. Thoughts naturally will occur while listening whereby the wish to reply to whatever the other person is saying is front of ming. I’ve written around this multiple times, suffice to say there are many ways to keep the mind clear and continue to fully listen. Without doing this one is not truly at any level of active listening.
- Thinking in any depth about what the other person is saying. Yes, it is important to think about what the other person is saying at a level sufficient to understand both the content they are sharing and the context of what they are sharing. However, if I overthink I leave no space for reading the energy behind their words. “Listening for energy” is a level of listening beyond listening for content or even listening for context, so to do so, be aware of how much you are thinking.
- Ego. If my ego is at play while listening, the ego’s desire to prove how brilliant I am (!) drives my listening, both from a stand point of what question I ask or statement I then make, as well as the tendency to be judgmental around the person I am listening to. Removing the ego, or “dissolution of the self” while listening is therefore a next level of listening beyond listening for energy.
From the above thoughts flowed the Koan, as in the more I can remove the desire to reply, the tendency to think too much, the presence of my ego, then the more I am present to deeply listen. As the years go by, I grow and learn as a listener. I thank that recent companion in conversation and in listening for new learnings, including:
“The more I am absent the more I am present”
Oh, and a gift to myself this Christmas is a newly released book of wisdom from Alan Watts: “there is never anything but the present“.
One more “bonus” link goes back to my muse on presence, Marina Abramovic, in the post: “No Need to Say Anything“.
If you would like to talk to me around leadership, feel free to book a zoom here. I’m here to listen and be present.