One of the positives for me of the way we are now meeting and connecting is that a vibrant group has come together under the banner of “Caymanians Overseas”, which (for Caymanians Overseas OR in Cayman, meets weekly on zoom and is a great mix of socialising, networking and learning for those of us who are Caymanian or have ties to Cayman). For more on our weekly “Virtual Yard” meetings, click here.
Now, one of our group, also based, like me, in the London area, is Claire Foy. Claire is currently on a journey into coaching and is documenting this eloquently and brilliantly on her blog. Most recently, she wrote about the challenge that all of us as coaches face of listening and NOT giving advice. This particular excerpt stood out for me:
In those early coaching sessions my advice monster was just dying to jump in and ‘help’ even save people, explaining exactly how ‘I’ would solve the problem if I were them. Of course, I am not them, and this is not coaching. This is giving advice, and usually with such urgency and lack of patience, you don’t even listen, you certainly don’t listen to learn. You simply listen to respond, and are often so desperate to ‘help’ you jump in with both legs, arms and a fully body swing and interrupt.
A good friend from the group, one day said he’d heard that “Interrupting is simply assaulting someone’s thinking”.
“Learning to Shut Up” – part 4 of Claire Foy’s blog on her journey into coaching
I’ve been coaching for over a decade now, this is my profession and I have my “10,000 hours” and more, yet those who know me socially also know I am a magpie for information and knowledge and love to share what I’ve learned. For me this means that “learning to shut up” remains a constant practice for me, even as a highly experienced coach.
Thank you, then, to Claire for that anchor of “interrupting is simply assaulting someone’s thinking.
Spinning Plates
I’ll also share one tool I use to hold back from giving advice. I call it “spinning plates”.
Stephen Covey taught us to “listen with the intent to understand, not to reply”. One of the key parts of this is that, when we are listening to someone, as soon as we have something in our mind we wish to use to reply with, we stop fully listening. Think about this, particularly when we are in social conversation. We all do this all the time, we listen fully only until we have something we want to say when it is our “turn”.
Now, in coaching, a core precept for me is the believe that the client has the answers within then, it is our role as the coach to draw that out from them. Sometimes (often) all they have to do is talk things through, with us asking the right question from time to time, and only when absolutely necessary (and without interrupting their flow!).
So, how do I quiet my own “advice monster” when I have something come into my mind to reply with, so reducing my ability to listen? Well, I use the imagery of an entertainer spinning plates. When I have a “thought” in the front of my mind, I visualise taking that thought, as a “plate” and setting it spinning off to the side, so clearing my mind to once again be fully present and listening.
As I have coached more and more, I have gained the ability to spin quite a number of plates at once, and then to bring one or more of them back to the centre of my mind if and when relevant to the person I am coaching. Oh, and to make sure I don’t “drop” the plates, on occasion I will write down a keyword in my handwritten contextual notes as I go.