“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
George Bernard Shaw
Earlier this week I had a wonderful “virtual walk and talk” with Katie Elliott of Little Challenges. It was the first time we had spoken and, on reflection, it truly felt like we were communicating. Listening, curious, caring, understanding, present. All of these were to the fore and, out of that, somehow, talking to someone I had never met before, I had a major personal realisation. Now, the elements to our communication I listed are all seemingly simple, yet all too often we communicate at a surface level in so many conversations (and yes, I do that too on occasion).
My thoughts on this today are on a viscerally current topic here in London, the level to which Men truly understand the fear that Women have walking alone on quiet streets and dark places in cities and how open are we to really understanding them and so receiving what they seek to communicate to us. tl;dr Men don’t do this well, including me.
Later the same day as my conversation with Katie, I saw on the news that a man (and a serving police officer!) had been arrested for the murder of a young woman who had gone missing while walking home in central London a few days prior. That woman had walked close to where I used to live, down streets and across paths I know oh so well, making it strike home for me particularly powerfully.
Violence against women by men is a deeply human issue that has always been with us, yet somehow this case hit me particularly hard as women shared on social media the steps they constantly have to take as they walk alone on quiet streets (if they even do so), the fear they have at any sense that a man may be focussed upon them or worse. It truly made me reflect. How many times, as a very tall and large figure of a man, had I walked home down those paths and quiet streets heading home late in the evening. How many of those times had I been following a woman doing the same. I tend to walk fast, so had they felt my presence? wondered, even for a moment, if I had been following them?
So, I asked on social media that evening about what I can do in such situations. I received a number of responses, some of which then lead me to articles and other posts and threads. I listened, I sought to understand the perspective of women. Irrespective of how often I have in the past crossed the street before overtaking from behind, how many times I have escorted a female friend or colleague home from an evening gathering to help them feel safe, no matter what I may have done from MY perspective of being helpful, that evening online I listened and listened hard to understand the perspectives of quite a number of women in London and beyond on this. From this I picked up a number of specific ways i can do more, do better.
However well we feel we do communicate, we can always look to communicate better and to never assume we “get it” 100%. Let us always seek to truly communicate.