Nie mój cyrk, nie moje małpy
A Polish idiom. Literally, “not my circus, not my monkey”.
At the simplest level, this could be expressed as “not my problem”, which for me can be of value but can also be an abdication of responsibility.
So, let me today give two other layers of depth which may be supportive for leadership and in a responsible fashion.
First, another picture:
This feels different to me than “not my problem”, the language of which lands to me as shutting out the issue, whether or not it is something one has responsibility for.
Adding “every time that you feel yourself getting pulled into someone’s nonsense” changes the meaning. It infers that you may or may not have a responsibility for addressing the underlying issue at hand, but reminds you that you don’t have to be part of the dramatic energy surrounding it, whether to “jump in” to the energy or to be the one to “fix” it.
So, this then leads me to one last picture, of one of the absolute core behavioural models I live by and teach and coach with more than almost any other.
This is the Karpman Drama Triangle.
“Not my circus, not my monkey”, for me, is a reminder not to jump into the drama triangle and play any of the roles. In particular, it is a reminder to not play the Rescuer role, to not jump in and try to “fix” the drama. Further, if you are not acting as the Rescuer, it means you are jumping in differently and taking a “side” of either Victim or Persecutor, either by joining the consensus energy or opposing it.
Whatever you do, where you see drama, if you join the drama and energy you are what I would call “in the triangle”.
We all do this from time to time, yet when we are “in the triangle” we recognise that nothing ever gets resolved, as the drama triangle is a space of blame where NOBODY is responsible. In the triangle there is fear, which creates the need to control, blame, judge, dominate, manipulate and more. That is what drama looks like. In the movies it is highly entertaining, as people operating from a place of trust isn’t dramatic, it isn’t entertaining, as they reach agreement and take action from a place of trust, respect and appreciative enquiry. I call this being “in the circle” and it is far more effective and also adds rather than saps energy to one and all.
If you would prefer to operate in the circle rather than in the triangle, both personally and for your whole organisation, I’d love to talk to you, this is at the heart of my work and drives massive and tangible results.
For now, though, simply remember, when you see and feel drama, recite the mantra “not my circus, not my monkey” and then consider how you can respond rather than react.